Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Letter to Jillian #3

Dear Jillian,

Two years ago today your GiGi passed away.  I remember the day as if it were yesterday, though some parts are a blur.  It was Tuesday, Februry 16th and I was at work.  Monday it had snowed a lot and was pretty slick out that morning, I didn't go to work.  I cleaned GiGi's house on Monday's in the afternoon, so we bundled up and headed on our way.  By this point GiGi was in a hospital bed in the living room, in a comatose state, a really deep sleep.  I remember still trying to vacuum and clean the floors around all our family friends.  GiGi would have wanted it that way.  One of our family friends pulled me aside in the kitchen.  She said she didn't want to upset me but needed to ask me a question.  I told her to go ahead, I would be okay.  She then asked me if I wanted to be with GiGi when she passed.  I really didn't even have to think about it that hard,  my answer was no.  I had seen her go through enough.  She was a nurse and knew that it was a matter of time, maybe even hours.  I guess thinking back now, I knew too, but still couldn't wrap my head or my heart around it.  I don't think I would have ever been ready.  When we left that night I kissed GiGi, told her I loved her and goodbye, you did the same.
Tuesday morning came and I went to work.  I hadn't been there very long when PaPa called.  He was very emotional.  He told me through heavy tears that GiGi was no longer with us.  He wanted me to call someone to pick me up and come home.  I only remember crying and sobbing while my co-workers tried to console me and offered their arms for hugs.  I called Memmaw and Gp and asked them if they could come and get me, so that I didn't have to drive, and they did.
When we got to the house I looked into the living room to see GiGi laying in the bed, very peaceful.  No heavy breathing no pain, just her laying in peace.  PaPa held me for awhile, and we talked.  Soon after Jo-Jo came home.  She walked through the door not knowing that GiGi had passed, we hugged and we cried and we held each other for the longest time.  We all went down stairs and just comforted each other.  PaPa was there, Memmaw and GP, Mammaw Helen, JoJo and Uncle Andy and our preacher, Dave.
It was probably the hardest day of Mommy's life.  I think at some point the tears stopped because there were no more tears to cry.  But we had each other and that was the most important thing.  And the peace in knowing that GiGi was in heaven.  She was pain free.  No more medicines, no more hospital and doctor's visit.  She was at peace.  And that Jillian is what we had to remember.  Still to this day I have to remind myself of that.  I get very selfish sometimes and want her back.  But I know that God has a plan for us all and this is his plan for us.

I try to talk to GiGi when I can.  Usually in the car before I pick you and your brother up.  One time I really wanted to talk to her and you were in the car so I asked you to talk to her with me and you said okay.  You repeated me word for word, saying things like, We miss you GiGi, and We love you GiGi.  I'm not sure if you understand where she is or how much you remember her.  But I try to tell you about her and remind you of the great times you shared.
Jillian, if I could talk to GiGi face to face or even on the phone, I would tell her all about you and your baby brother.  I would tell her how proud I am of you and how much you've grown into a little lady.  I would tell her about all the funny and cute things you say and do, and tell her how beautiful you are inside and out! I would tell her that you got her love of dance.  I would also tell her that she taught me everything I needed to know, I know she worried about that.  But she did.  She taught me to be the woman and the mommy that I am today.  Sometimes I'm not sure how she did it, and I think to myself she must have really loved us, all of us.  Especially you Miss Jillian.  In your GiGi's eyes, you hung the moon.  We were so blessed that she got to be with us and you for as long as she was.  We will always miss her and always remember all the great memories we made.

One of the last pictures taken of GiGi
GiGi will forever be in hearts.  I miss her so much, words can't even express.  But I have you and your brother to be a mommy too and for that we owe to GiGi!

I love you Jillian!



  1. I cant ever read these, I just can't.... Ummm crying over here.... But thankful jillian will know how much she loved her!

  2. That's a beautiful piece of writing Carissa, and a great idea to write a letter about it to Jillian. Nick was about 14 months old when my dad passed away and has no memory of him. I talk about him to Nick and Tyler in the hopes they will get to know what he was like.


  3. Like Kelly, I'm bawling! But I'm thinking of you and Jordan, and the rest of your family today. I know how hard this day is and that it never gets easier. At least not after 2 years. I can imgagine how much you miss your mom, but getting this in writing will help the memories to never fade... Try to enjoy this day because one thing for sure, for as much pain and discomfort as we saw Jennifer experience, we know she's sure happy and comfortable now!

  4. Okay, you made me cry. This is just too beautiful! She is going to appreciate this when she gets older. You are a wonderful writer too!

  5. Well, I finally read this today. I figured I should wait until it was a few days past the 2 year mark. You are so right that mom raised us to be the women we are today, which are strong women who have such a great sense of family! I am so glad that we were able to spend as much time with Mom as we did. I know that Mom is glad that she raised us for as long as she was able to! Jillian will be so lucky to read this one day and realize how much her Gigi cared for her. I had to keep wiping away tears to get through this, but I just thought of how much Mom loved us and that got me through!

  6. So, I waited quite a few days to actually read this. Still...tears. Happy tears for the strength she had and delivered to you all. I love how it's written in letter to Jillian! She'll really cherish these one day and that's amazing. :) Love y'all!


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